Wednesday, 16 April 2014

Coping with a Miscarriage

Hello my beauties 
Today is going to be a tough write up as its hard to talk about things that have hurt us in the past 
I did say I would write up more personal posts as I know the last one I wrote up helped alot of you 
This time its about something I am sure alot of you have been through or know someone who has went through it.  
What I dont really understand is that when us women go through it we dont talk about it and believe me its a subject that needs to be talked about.  When we suffer with a miscarriage, it stays with you for the rest of your life.  You never ever forget it.  
Just because this little human being has not been seen does not mean you cant treat it like a major loss in your life.  It was there it was a baby it was something growing inside of you a miracle and of course its a huge loss when its suddenly taken away from you xxxxx

It doesnt matter how young or how old you are you still have to go through the emotions of this loss 
Today I am going to share with you how I coped and am coping with them losses in my life and maybe then we could all share together and help each other and be there for each other when we have days that all those emotions come back to us.  
Yes you read right I did say losses because I personally had 4 losses 
My first loss was after I had my first baby she was a year old and I will never forget it.  I was 3 month pregnant.  At first this 2nd pregnancy was hard to come to terms with as I already had a 1 year old and at the time was in college and working and trying my best to be the best mum to my daughter I could possibly be.  My life was so so busy and I didnt have time to have another.  Of course the idea of having another baby soon came normal to me and I was just getting used to the idea until Christmas day I started feeling pains.  I didnt pass much remarks to it as I thought it was from been too full that day.  My mum was away from home at the time she was unwell so I was on my own I had no female to turn to.  That night the pains got worse so I went to bed.  The next morning the pains were so bad I sat on the toilet for at least an hour before bang The nightmare and reality hit me.  I knew at that stage what was happening and what had happened.  I was in total shock  I pasted what was growing inside me I stood up and looked My world crumbled around me at that moment.  
I was in such shock I rang the doctor on call and he confirmed it but stated I needed to go in for a check up I refused I believed my baby was gone.  
After that everything was a daze and before I knew it a week passed back to work I felt the most horrible pains I ever had in my life.  I had to go to hospital The pain was so bad I was on my own scared sad emotional and out of it.  The doctor said the miscarriage was not over I had to get a DNC as there was still tissue from the miscarriage left inside me 
Again all of this was a blur.  I just wanted it to be all over.  For 2 months after that I sat at home and was out of it I didnt grieve I didnt do anything I lost 2 stone in weight.  I felt lonely, sad, depressed and blamed myself for this loss.  What did I do wrong, What if why did this happen to me?  I feel so empty!! I feel lost!!! Why was this baby taken away from me?? Was God Punishing me for something?? Is there something wrong with me??? Why?  

I didnt know how to talk about it I didnt have anyone there who would understand.  My mum was away my sister was too young the partner I was with at the time had no clue what to say or do and seemed to have said all the wrong things.  Then Finally I thought of my little girl.  I still had her She still needed me I needed to snap out of this.  I thought of my dads worried face looking at me as I started to disappear in front of him I was hurting him I was hurting my daughter I needed to come back.  I needed to move on even though it was hard and I did some strength just rose from me and I started to see that it wasnt my fault like the doctor said it happens to alot of women in their lives.  I found it hard Extremely hard to get this loss out of my head as I kept my feelings to myself.  I didnt know how to deal with the loss but I knew life had to go on.  

I moved on and started building a life for my baby girl and me and that included moving from the past.  Her dad and I went our seperate ways as there was not a future for us and I moved home to a happier life.  Years later meeting someone new and having the happiest time of my life I had more babies each time thinking of the one I lost and think ok God just knew I wasnt ready to have another until now 
After the twins I fell pregnant again and it was a huge shock I had 5 kiddies already how will i cope with another but those questions soon disappeared after that day and i was soon looking forward to having another little one.  Until a month and half later the pains began.  I knew instantly what was happening.  All those questions came flooding back all the pain of losing came back the pain was nothing I was going through more .... The past was coming back to haunt me again.  I went to the doctor and he confirmed I was loosing and will soon pass it.  It?? your mean my baby right??? Yes i am so sorry !!!!  I walked out angry I wanted to scream I felt that depression coming back that switching off from the world again but I refused to let this happen again No No I am not going there I am going to talk about it this time.  Straight away I ran to my partner and broke down I talked to him I cried and cried and then waited for the time to come.  It was 4 oclock in the morning when it happened the pains got worse and i started to bleed heavily.  My babies were going to be up at 6 and I really wanted this to happen before hand but it didnt.  I didnt want to let my kiddies see me in this pain so I rang their dad He was here within minutes and I was free to let it happen.  I remember at 7 am It finally happened the pain ease but inside the pain became more.  I called my sister and she was there for me I talked through my feelings and cried that day It really helped with my grieving It helped me accept quicker that It just wasnt ment to be.  Talking and letting my feeling out really helped me this time round and I realised letting myself go and not acting the the hard one who can do this on her own really helps.  There is nothing wrong with asking for help and sometimes you need to admit it for your own sake.  

My 3rd and forth pregnancy was the same as above.  Only the 3rd didnt grow past 1 month even though I didnt start loosing until a month and half and the 4th had no heartbeat.   I know you all are thinking why did she get pregnant so many times soon after that.  Well maybe deep down I craved for the 2nd baby and then the 3rd  I wanted and got used to the idea of having and I was also still grieving.  The want of another baby maybe to replace the ones I lost was greater than I thought but I soon realised that Its not ment to be.  I did rush into getting pregnant again and that does happen we do not think straight while grieving.   I think deep down inside I was still blaming myself for losing 3 babies in a row.  I still thought I was doing something wrong but I was even more careful with the last pregnancy and still I lost again and then it hit me !!!! I wasnt me I was doing nothing wrong It really was not ment to be. 

 I have 5 beautiful healthy children and the losses were literally nothing I could control.  It happened and unfortunately we in some way have to accept that.  I have also accepted that my 5 children is all I need to fullfil the losses I had and I have also accepted that I shall be having no more in the future.  I dont need anymore as I am blessed to have the children I do have in my life.  I think about the women out there who are suffering trying to have one baby and cant and my heart goes out to them in a way I know what they are going through because when you do suffer a miscarriage you body has goes through the hormones of a pregnancy and it builds itself up for a baby to live in your whom and birth, when you lose the baby your hormones are still there and you body feels completely empty, you crave for the baby your started to grow inside you.  That craving stays there a long time.  

Life is all about learning everyday is a school day as someone once said to me and its true.  We sometimes blame ourselves for something that happens every single day but when you are in that mood you find it hard to snap out of it.  The one thing I have to say helped me cope with all of these losses was one thing Talking, admitting you need the help to accept whats happened to deal with your grief.   you have to share your feelings, your have to ask them questions out loud!!!! you have to cry it out !!!

You have to Grieve !!!!!! I mean grieve for your baby that was once there but not anymore.  That is the only way you will get through this.  You can not get through it on your own.  I had two people in my life The father of the babies and my sister who knew about my last 3 losses and thats it and it helped me accept it quicker I did not want people coming to me asking me was I alright or giving me sympathy I wanted to get through this with the people I loved and thats it. 
I have another piece of advice to you ladies out there. 

 Please do not shut out your partner as he too is going through the pain He may not be feeling the pain for loosing it physically but he is mentally.  He sees you in pain he feels the loss he wants to help but doesnt know how.  Tell him how.  Tell him to leave you be when you want to be on your ouw dont push him away.  Tell him you need a hug when you are low.  Tell him your feelings Tell him your angry Tell him everything and he too will share.  Do not shut him out as it will create even more problems for you 

I personally dont know if I would have got through it without those the people who knew at the time and of course with the love of my babies.  I also found you guys helped me get through it without you even knowing.  Believe me you did help you were continuously giving me positive feedback for my posts mailing me with such lovely words and been supportive of my blog.  You helped and Thank you.  I just want to highlight that you never ever know that just by giving people kind words or simply asking them how they are or just telling them your thinking of them or simply smiling at them helps them get through some very harsh times :)  Dont forget it as you could be doing more than you think YOU DID WITH ME 

  Remember that Its NOT YOUR FAULT,  YOU NEED TO TALK,  YOUR NEED THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU TO BE THERE FOR YOU,  THERE IS HELP FOR YOU TO DEAL WITH THIS,  ITS NOT YOUR FAULT,  YOU COULDNT HAVE PREVENTED IT FROM HAPPENING You will never complete get over a miscarriage but you will find a way to accept that it was ment to be and that it wasnt anything you could do.  

I am not writing this for sympathy I am writing this simply because I want to share my experiences and how I coped and am coping.  I want to see women talk more about their experiences after all it is a major experience in our lives and just because its not visible to others it doesnt mean it didnt happen.  
Talking and getting the support you need is the key to coping with this loss in your life.  
For those of you who are going through losses and have not yet been blessed with a baby in your arms dont be disheartened I know you are still in pain of the fact that you have not yet got the child you desire but in time you too will accept thing for what they are and what they will be just remember you are not alone and there are many people out there who are going through the same pain you are.  

I am not even sure if I am going to post this up or not as it is a very personal experience but I also know alot of you will appreciate it.  Alot of people might see this as something that means nothing to them but at least you will know a little about what people are going through.  
I hope this helps in some way i might not but at least you know that I am here for anyone who wants to talk or has questions they need answering,  I am not a doctor but I have went through it.  
If you do need to talk to someone profession I have websites you can look up:  
The Miscarriage Association 
For any of you out there who want to help your loved ones who are going through this and dont know what to do.  Everyone is different when dealing with grief.  Some want to talk others dont Just let them know you are there for them when they need you.  Do supportive things for them and be there but dont pressure them to talk until they are ready as they will feel smoothered they will in time come to you if you leave them be.  You may think that they will not come to you but ask them even months after how they are feeling because it might not hit them until months later.  Their due date especially will be hard for them but with them knowing that your are thinking of them at that time even helps them.  If you friend sister whoever is experiencing this has children have a little word with them telling them mummy is feeling sad and needs lots of hugs and kisses this will comfort her alot more than you think.  Simply ask her and him what you can do to help.  They may reply nothing at the time but at least they have some comfort knowing you are there 
No matter how bad life is for you remember one thing there is always people out there who are going through the same if not more than you and this is just another hole in your life that you will fill.  If you are one who hasnt got people close to you to talk to please use the people available in organisations to talk to them its completely confidential and very professional just do not go through this on your own.  
 I love you all 
God bless 
Stay positive 
Lots of Love Luck and Laugher 

I love love love hearing from you all :) I make it my duty to read each and every one of you comments and every time i get a comment from you it highlights my day thanks so so much to you all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


coriander said...

Thank you for sharing this important post. I'm so sorry that you have had to cope with so many losses, but you are doing a great service to other women by sharing your story.

I have never been pregnant, but I know many women who have struggled (or still struggle) to carry a child to term. Unlike other kinds of losses for which there are fairly well defined cultural scripts, people often don't know how to respond to someone who has experienced a miscarriage. Reading these kinds of personal accounts helps me, as someone who has never experienced pregnancy, better understand the depth of the loss and its long term effects. So your willingness to share these tough feelings is, I think, really important and valuable.

Sending you hugs and sunshine from Los Angeles!

Blush and Barbells said...

I'm so sorry for your losses. Thank you for sharing this post.

Shannon Boyce said...

You are such an incredibly strong woman. I applaud you for sharing your experiences - even though they must have been incredibly difficult to talk about. I'm sorry to hear about everything you've gone through. On the plus side, you have beautiful children and this post is sure to mean a lot to many women out there. <3

Barbie's Beauty Bits said...

Thanks for taking the time to share this with everyone. You have to be very strong to go through this and you have shown that you are. I'm sorry for the pain and loss you had to endure, but I truly appreciate you sharing something so personnel.
<3 All the Way From Virginia Beach!

MissGreenEyes said...

Such a brave piece of writing Nina, I can't believe you went through so much. You're such a strong person and a great Mum, I'm so sorry for the little ones who are not here, and I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. I'm sure this post will be really helpful to anyone going through this or anyone who has gone through it, you're a very courageous lady to be so open and honest. Hugs xxx

organizasyon said...

I'm so sorry for your losses. Thank you for sharing this post.

Nina s said...

Thank you all for all you kind words You are all brilliant and I cant believe the response I got from this piece and how many of you actually sat and read it love you all forever and as i said in the piece if it helps one person I will be happy :) xxxxxxx

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