How I Coped with My 2 Year old Sons Cancer Part 2

I am lying in bed that very night.  I feel my head spinning, butterflies in my tummy all of a sudden I feel sick...... I get up and go to the bathroom after a while i wash up and look into the mirror.....The shock is finally setting in.....I wonder to my boys bed and stare at him while he is sleeping.....He looks so content.....Dreaming of angels i bet......as i think that I kneel and look up and i pray to those angels in his dreams PLEASE LOOK AFTER HIM PLEASE MAKE HIM BE OK PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DON'T TAKE HIM FROM ME........As i watch him sleeping the questions begin......

Is this my fault......What could I have done to change this......Was it something from the pregnancy........Is it a punishment for me.......Is someone up there teaching me a lesson.......why him and not me??? I would do anything to take his place!!!!!

I sat for hours watching him sleep thinking about it and wondering where to go from here.....

The brightness in the room woke me and the words MAMMY made me jump up i suddenly see these two big eyes looking at me and a huge grin from my baby boy he puts his arms out to me and gives me kisses i soon realise i fell asleep in his room :) 

i hold him in my arms and take one look at him and feel this warm strong positive feeling from his body...." you are going to be just fine ain't you little man" i say to him :) 

I get his breakfast and he is sitting eating away and i find myself making phone calls packing bags for the hospital and racing around full speed ahead.  I can do this......I have to do this......I have to smile at my boy......He is only small he doesn't understand whats about to happen and i cant be the one to fall down and cry and be depressed about this......If i am down about it he will feel it!!!!! There is going to be nothing but 110 % positivity in this house and from whoever visits I MEAN THAT!!!!!! If there is enough positivity it will pay off.  

We get plenty of phone calls and visitors that day....The support is over whelming and shocking at the same time......People who i wouldn't normally speak to are giving prayer cards, medals, presents offering help etc.  Its amazing.......

Its Monday morning 5 am and we are up and on the way to hospital.  He is booked in for CT Scans and .. booked in to have his operation first thing........I have a huge huge knot in my tummy i cant help but stare at my baby boy wondering will he over come this....Even though you try to be as positive as you can you always have a few negative thought in the back of your mind what if!!!!!

I shake my head kiss him and say everything will be fine.....You are young.....You will forget this.......But we wont!!!!!

As I place my baby boy on his bed in the ward awaiting for his doctor....All i want to do is grab him in my arms and run out the door.....Maybe its a mistake.....maybe he doesn't need this operation......I'M SCARED !!!!!!!

The doctor arrives to let us know that he will be brought down to the operating room now i presumed i was able to go down too but he said there is too many down there at the moment so we will have to wait where we are.....As my boy is been taken away he crys out for me "Mammy" its breaking my heart and i cant hold it in anymore.......I can still hear his crys as the doctor is walking down the corridor......I will never forget it 

The wait was almost unbearable every second felt like 10 hours each time its so hard to sit waiting not knowing how he is wondering is he feeling anything.  I am putting myself through torture thinking of how much pain he will be in if only i knew what to expect......I ant to know exactly what pain he will feel so i can do everything in my power to help ease it........He cant tell me, he is too young, What exactly is going to be going through his mind........Awwww the thought was unbearable...........

Suddenly the doctor walks in and behind him my little brave soldier and is comfy blanket is been wheeled in. He is still asleep and looks the same apart from a patch over his eye........The doctor tells us the operation ran smoothly and that Kian will wake soon.  I am worried that when he wakes he will be in pain.......Sure enough when he wakes he is not in pain.....you can tell he feels groggy by the way he is acting but he is smiling.....My baby boy is smiling after been through such a big operation.....the overwhelming feeling of proudness is amazing...........

After some tests the doctor tells us he doesnt not know if kian will need chemo or not its all depending on whether or not the cancer travelled to the back of the eye so he isnt in the clear yet.....They also asked us if its ok to send kians bad eye to America for tests and to help with future research and without a thought i gave full permission....If it helps with finding a way to stop this of course......

Kian was amazing with recovering that day he ate he drank and even the next day wanted up to play with toys in the ward i was amazed......Its like he never even went through the operation 

but my smile soon disappeared......What if he needs Chemo....That will be so hard on him....Hasnt he been through enough????? 

This waiting game seemed like it was never going to end I really need to know............

To be continued 

Please dont feel bad when reading this as i dont want that and i dont want pity, Honestly this is to show that things that happen in life is all about lessons learned and that these lessons are to make you stronger as a person and stronger for the ones you love  I am a very positive person most of the time and this is the purpose of this blog post.....I want to share some positivity to the ones who need it but to hear stories like this is the way to do so i think people learn from hearing about other peoples life experiences I know i do :) 

To see part one click here :) Thanks so much to you all so far for your lovely messages i did not think i would get such a positive response :) 

I love love love hearing from you all :) I make it my duty to read each and every one of you comments and every time i get a comment from you it highlights my day thanks so so much to you all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx