Im sitting down, I cant feel my legs, I can feel my body. My breathing seems to have got heavier. My throat is feeling tight. The sound around me has suddenly got muddled like what you hear under the water in the swimming pool. I can actually hear my own heart beating so loud and so fast its like someone is in the room banging a drum. I look around me and all i see is faces looking at me, Sad Faces, i see my 2 and a half year old boy running around like he normally does when he is at home playing smiling away, i look at the father of my sons face and he is looking at me with a shocked face. Then i hear someone call my name repeating my name over and over. I am suddenly looking back at this stranger who is calling me
"Nina did you hear what i just told you?" "Do you have any questions to ask me?" "Do you understand what i am after telling you?" "Do you need time to take it in" "We will leave you for a few moments and come back" !!!!
What do you mean do i understand..... I am confused.....What is going on .........I try to trace back to before i was sitting hear all confused........ Oh yes we are in the hospital to get my little boy checked out......I am sitting in the waiting room for My little boys name to be called out. He has just been in with the doctor after getting drops in both eyes to expand his pupils so they can examine the inside of his eyes. Just routine i was thinking.
We get called in and im sitting thinking mmmm this is where the doctor will tell me that Kians sight in one eye is not 100% i kind of knew that anyway as i done the test at home on him i covered the "good eye" and asked him to look at his big sister i told his big sister to move but he didnt follower her that when i thought ok he might need glasses.
So the doctor asks do you have any idea what might be wrong so i told him what i thought. He says No its worse. "oh god this is why i am here.....this is why my heart is thumping......I remember now.....
"Your son has cancer.....he has Retinoblastoma.........he will need an operation ASAP......If he does not get this operation as soon as possible there will be nothing we can do.........he will loose his eye and eye socket......... he quite possibly need Chemo......He will have to get a "Freddy" ..............."
This was all in the space of 5 minutes but it felt like more.......If a lorry dumped a tone of bricks on top of me i wouldnt have felt as sufficated as i did in those 30 seconds.......I look at my son again and say "But he is running around....he is smiling,,,,he hasnt been sick........he hasnt bumped into anything.....he is NORMAL.....Why.......Where......How........WHAT!!!!!!!
I slowly started to take it all in when the doctor left the room.....I kept playing what he said over and over and over.......I am still numb......I feel tears flowing out of my eyes down my face but feel no emotion IM IN SHOCK!!!!!!!
The doctor comes back in and tells me to bring kian back in two days to give us time to take it in and get things organised at home and they will get straight into operation and treatment.
Im walking down the corridor of the waiting room looking around me i feel like everyones looking at us like as if they know....But to be honest my face is probably telling some of it........
My phone rings its my dad.....I dont even remember what i said to him.........but realise after that i told him kian has cancer.....I would have never done that if i was thinking straight i would have waited i dont even know why i told him maybe it was the shock..........
I am sitting in the car on the way home while my baby is in the back eating chips from McDonalds his favourite......Having this overwhelming feeling of not grief but something like it.......I am thinking what just happened was i told this.....am i dreaming....this is a nightmare.....yes thats what it is i am going to wake up i really am......Suddenly a voice tells me "No Nina its not a dream" I must have been speaking my thought out loud as kians dad is looking at me saying "No No Its not a Dream" his face looking as pale as mine........
We are back at my house and i walk in to be greeted by my little girl and my 8 month old baby.........The babysitters friends of mine are asking how he got on.....That's when i finally broke down.....That's when it finally came out of my own mouth and heard what i was saying....Kian has Retinoblastoma........
My dad enters i break down......I ask him.......How do we deal with this.......How will i manage this.........he couldn't answer as he was in shock.....That when this overwhelming strength came over me Its like life suddenly became reality again once i heard myself say them words to my dad i suddenly realised "I have to deal with this, I have to manage this i have to be strong if not for me but for my baby boy!!!!" He is a baby he needs guidance if i show him strength he will learn to be strong he will be strong he will beat this........The more positivity he sees the more he will beat this but my stomach was still in knots i felt ill very ill.
I had to start making plans......where do i start??.......... To be continued :)
This is in reply to an email i got from a lovely woman who has asked me one question......"How did you Cope with hearing your son had Cancer" "How did you stay so positive" "How do i cope.....I dont know what im thinking or doing" This lady has written to me as she too has just been told that her son has been diagnosed with Retinoblastoma.... So i have decided to write about my journey as a mum of a son who has had Cancer I really hope that this will help others and help this woman on her journey and let people know that they are not on their own.......The hardest thing in this world is seeing your children suffer with anything be it a cold.....a bug.....or even a grazed knee but to hear the words your child has Cancer well nothing can explain how it feels but hopefully by writing this little story it will help you understand and maybe help you through the hard time your child is going through :)
Please dont feel bad when reading this as i dont want that and i dont want pity, Honestly this is to show that things that happen in life is all about lessons learned and that these lessons are to make you stronger as a person and stronger for the ones you love I am a very positive person most of the time and this is the purpose of this blog post.....I want to share some positivity to the ones who need it but to hear stories like this is the way to do so i think people learn from hearing about other peoples life experiences I know i do :)
I love love love hearing from you all :) I make it my duty to read each and every one of you comments and every time i get a comment from you it highlights my day thanks so so much to you all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx